Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Every holiday, shit things always happen to me. It's like all the shit (this shit means unlucky) just wanna ruin your holiday. Then when school reopens, I have to face school work, which is equally shit (this shit means........ seriously how could lectures and tutorials not be shit?)

 Ok enough of shit

 Few days ago, I was at Clarke Quay, walking to Studio M. We wanted to take a picture at this underpass so I placed my michael kor card holder (my 2nd wallet) on a concrete wall and who the f knows it's a slope?!?!?!?!?! Thank god my phone was big enough and I quickly grabbed my phone before it drops into the river. Seriously, which idiot designed that concrete wall? WHICH IDIOT. You are a dumbf.

 Yes, I dropped my wallet into the SINGAPORE RIVER
There's a POSB card, my sister's ez link card, pet lovers centre card, my talisman which is suppose to keep me safe AND MY $70 which I saved like siao! I eat breakfast at home, go home for lunch/dinner almost everyday just to save money. I really hate myself, hate the person who designed the concrete wall and hate the singapore river.

 The government should just reimburse me and pay for my medical fee. I feel so sad and cheated I need to see a psychologist now.

 I really have phobia of singapore river now.

 Anyway, I really broke down that night. I promised my mum not to lose my stuff again and I always keep my promise. I know it may not be a big deal to many but it is a big deal to me. Because I am close with my mum and I really love her, I don't want to disappoint her. If I cannot even take good care of my wallet, how am I suppose to make her trust me? I called and told her to go to sleep first so she won't see me and ask me how was my day and all which makes me even more upset......

 When I reached home, my tears were all over my face and my dogs, Zegna and Buddy, licked my face. It seems like they know when to comfort me.

 I don't really like to socialize now. Yes wow it's coming from someone crazy like me. No it's not that I don't like the people around me. I love all of them, every single one of them ; be it you're a guy or girl. I'm also a human, sometimes I just need some time alone.

 Recently I'm just afraid of everything in life. When I face a big group of people, I tend to get scared. This has NEVER happened to me before. I loved being with a big group of people and go hyper and crazy...... unless it's like shopping or what I just need some time.

 Just last week, I went back to my old house in Toa Payoh. I passed by the void deck and I thought of my grandpa because his wake was held there. I sat down at the study corner and thought about those days in Indonesia and Katong. Every holiday, mum would bring us to Indonesia for stay over at grandpa's place. He would make half boiled eggs for us and it's the BEST, even better than Ya Kun. 

He would bring good seafood back (they always call it sen teng) and he knew I love it so he would open the shell thingy for me. Memories with my grandpa are quite vague because I was still young and he's always in indonesia. When I was around 14, he had a stroke but he could still walk though struggling. He's so cute, always ask us to massage his legs then fall asleep. A year later, he had another stroke and parkinson and he was bed ridden.

I'm not feeling down just because of my wallet, how I feel about friends and grandpa. There are many whys to why I'm sad but I'm just not comfortable about saying it. I mean, what's the point of sharing your unhappiness with others?

I'm trying to smile. I don't know if it's real or fake. I just wanna try.

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